How to Heal Your Heart in a World Full of Hurt

To the sensitives, the empaths, the ones who feel deeply…
I see you. I know you.

I, too, have experienced those moments where everything was just too much. Absorbing the feelings and the energy around you until you think you might break. Those moments where your heart physically hurts and your soul asks why it has to be this way. I know how foolish it feels when you by all accounts should be feeling just fine but you break down over something you see on the news, a song, or something that shouldn’t directly impact you. The feelings associated with situations that do have a direct impact on you sometimes threaten to take over. I know the sense of despair that comes from feeling that no one truly understands you, the grief and hopelessness that comes from all of the senseless hatred and pain that exists within this world.

I’ve been there as well. This month, in particular, has been a challenge. As a result of being in a leadership position, I have people streaming into my office day after day, some of them with frustrations, insecurities, and/or sadness that they need to vent. If I am not careful, I find that I end up absorbing a good portion of it. As someone who works with people in need, despite my calm and confident demeanor my heart breaks inside for those who don’t have a home, don’t know where there next meal is going to come from, don’t have a support network or people who believe in them, and, in some cases, are facing life or death situations. There are the disturbing back door politics that sometimes occur in local government (any level of government, really) which often seem to send a message along the lines of, “If you don’t fit our desired vision of socioeconomic status, race, religion, gender, and/or sexual orientation you are not welcome here. Your voice doesn’t count”.
As many of you know when you’re already experiencing the strain of feeling too much, it doesn’t take much to send you in to overload.

All of this was happening, before the Orlando shooting even occurred. The temptation to just turn it all off, curl into myself, and cry, to throw my hands in the air and be rid of this supposed blessing which also feels like a curse weighed heavy on my heart.
I am one of those who wants to fix everything, who burns for those I love and who gives too much of myself sometimes in order to try and heal this world and its inhabitants. I have sacrificed myself and my own feelings too many times to count over the years, and I have overwatered the flowers so to speak in an ineffective attempt to help others weather their own crises. More than once, I have offered my heart only to see it be carelessly thrown upon an altar of pain.

Yet, I don’t know how it happened or where I obtained it, but each time I am that point a spark of strength emerges that refuses to go out. I would bet everything I have that -whether or not you know it- that spark exists within you as well.

I confess that I have yet to find a way to protect my heart. Actually, that’s not entirely true. I have yet to find a way to protect my heart that doesn’t consist of sticking my head in the sand and/or worshipping an illusion of happiness. I have yet to find a way to protect my heart while still being able to experience all of the joy, love and beauty that this life has to offer.
But I have found some things that have helped, both myself and those closest to me.
If you are someone who feels deeply, consider this:

• Crying is not a weakness. Our society for whatever reason has long viewed crying as something to be avoided (unless you are a child who has skinned your knee or you are at a funeral). How many times as a child did you hear phrases like, “It’s not worth crying over”, or “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about”?

You have every right to scream, cry, rage at the injustices. In fact, it might even be productive and prompt you to action-so long as you don’t live your life from that place of anger or grief. You have a RIGHT to feel, so please, please do not assume that crying is a weakness or that it is something that should be avoided. Sometimes, we simply need to get all of the “feels” associated pain out of our system to some extent, kind of like removing the poison from a snake bite.
• Sometimes we just need to be alone. There have been days where I come home from work and shut myself off in my room for a bit, and being alone for a few minutes is heaven. I can then release all of the energetic “stuff” that I have accumulated throughout the day. Being sensitive and feeling all of the time can be draining. There have been weekends where I was just too emotionally exhausted to tackle all of the things on my “to do” list and so I did things that helped me recharge instead. I used to feel guilty about this….sometimes I still do. Yet I’ve come to realize that by taking the time that I need to recharge I can be a better mother, wife, friend, and person in general.

• Listen to your pain. Proust once said, “Illness is the doctor to which we pay the most heed. To kindness and knowledge we make promises only; pain we obey.” While this may be referring to physical ailments, you could easily replace the word “illness” with the word “pain” because it is also true for emotional unease. Our pain is there to teach us something, to tell us that something is wrong/out of alignment and it needs to change. The only way to mitigate or eliminate our pain is to listen to it, and heed its wisdom.

Sometimes I get so caught up in the tornado of feelings washing over me that I forget that I can act. I can do something to help this world rid itself of hatred and fear. It doesn’t have to be on a large scale, but we can use our gentle hearts to make a difference. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard stories wherein a simple smile or kindness from a stranger saved a life and/or changed someone’s path in a positive way. It’s often not just the individual we impact, but a butterfly effect occurs wherein our kindness to that one person somehow makes a difference on the others that they come into contact with as well. I have been overwhelmed at times by friends or people I have helped who have come back years later to tell me that by simply being who I am and showing love and compassion or by believing in them I have changed what they thought was possible for themselves. I am willing to bet if you think about it, you will find that you have also planted numerous seeds of love and have changed hundreds, maybe even thousands of lives by doing what comes naturally to you.
• Surround yourself with beauty. Treat yourself by putting fresh flowers where you can see them on a regular basis. Listen to those songs that give you goosebumps and fill you up inside. View those pieces of art that awe, touch, and/or inspire you. Feed your mind and soul with uplifting recordings from people you admire. Inhale the scents that calm or ignite a fire within you. Prepare a feast for your heart and soul and let it remind you that there is more than just the sorrow and tragedy that we are endlessly fed by the media.

• Love yourself. Yes, I know, you have probably heard this one more times than you can count, but I put it here because it is true. I am an expert at giving until it hurts. If I am being honest, my inherent desire to be a peacemaker and to help others find happiness has sometimes resulted in a warped perspective of my own self worth and has exposed my heart to some pain that cut deep. One day, something happened that flipped a switch inside me. I had had enough of a particular situation and I realized that by not loving myself enough to set boundaries, I had betrayed my own heart more strongly than anyone else possibly could. I realized that the knot I would get in my stomach whenever I worried that someone might not like me, might reject me, or might not accept me was a result of my foundation of self-worth being as insubstantial as air. So long as I relied on others to validate who I am, I would never feel like I was standing on solid ground. The only way to create a firm foundation was to take a good, hard look at myself and accept myself-the good, the bad, and the ugly- without apology. When you believe fiercely in yourself, you don’t have to worry about your foundation falling away. I am a work in progress, to be sure, and I have a long way to go to manifest the person I wish to ultimately become, but I no longer rely on anyone else to tell me what the final product should be or how I should get there.

I also realized that I need to have some boundaries in order to love and respect myself and not set myself up for pain and disappointment. I have decided that for the most part I will work as hard for a relationship as the other person does. I will find the places where I can give and protect the places where I cannot. I have heard time and time again never to lend money to a friend but that you should give it as a gift instead (should you choose to help them) because if you lend it and it doesn’t get paid back it could ruin your friendship. I have learned to look at how I give my energy and time in the same way. When I know I can give freely and unconditionally without feeling resentment or disappointment if what I give is not valued or reciprocated, I give. When I know that I cannot do this then I know that to do so would surpass my boundaries and so I choose not to give of my time and energy. What I can give and to whom fluctuates. It hasn’t been an easy paradigm shift to make given my natural tendency to give without limits to those I care about. However, I can tell you that I when I am able to make this shift I am so much happier and more at peace. I believe it has helped my relationships as well. By overriding my instinct to fix things for or protect those I care about without their direct request, I give them the opportunity to find their own strength within.

For those of us who are sensitive, I think it is important to remember that as deeply as we can feel pain we can also feel love and compassion deeply and these are powerful things. This is our gift. We need to keep the successes (big and small) and the love and caring that does exist in this world in our line of vision without turning our back on the fear and the hatred.
Last week, I saw one man create a tragedy of epic proportions. I saw him take away the lives and the sense of security of so many people simply because he didn’t agree with who they chose to be with or how they chose to love. The knowledge of this tears me apart and evokes in me a bottomless sadness for which there are no words, and my heart breaks over and over again. But I also saw hundreds of people donating blood. I have seen so many people-both known to me and unknown- standing in solidarity and sharing their support. I have observed businesses offering free shelter and food to families whose loved ones have been impacted by the Orlando tragedy and to those who have volunteered to help. As we have seen time and time again, fear and hatred are pretty powerful-powerful enough to change lives, powerful enough to take lives. But I firmly believe that love is the most powerful force in the universe and we need to continue to harness its power.
Revolution doesn’t happen only in grandiose, dramatic efforts , it often happens in what seem like the smaller, simpler moments.
So if you are feeling helpless and overwhelmed by the pain of this world (or even just your little corner of it), I would encourage you (once you have had a chance to simply process and feel) to fight, in whichever way resonates with you. No effort to address the crisis of love in this world is wasted.
I intend to do just that. Again and again after I have dried my tears, I intend to get right back up and continue to fight with love of others as my super power and the love and acceptance I give myself as my armor. I intend to create beauty that will outshine or at least dull the ugliness that exists in this world. As deeply as I experience the hurt of living in this world, I intend to also experience the love that surrounds me with an unparalleled depth and ferocity. I intend to share the love that I have to give so that others can experience that depth of joy as well. Because as long as I do this, I rob fear and hatred of their ultimate victory.

Underneath all of the pain and ugliness that exists, life is truly still a beautiful, amazing gift.