“I think we are blind. Blind people who can see, but do not see.” – Jose Saramago
What if I told you that you were visually impaired? It’s likely true, but not in the way that you think. I believe it is simply an aspect of the human condition that so many of us are blinded by filters that are influenced by the people and events around us but which ultimately we control.
I have spent a lot of time-too much in fact- focusing energy and thoughts on the fall out that occurred with a friend mentioned in a previous post. Part of this energy was the act of cycling through anger, then pain, then compassion and asking questions (which will probably never be answered) in a futile effort to make sense of what happened and processing the sense of betrayal I have felt along with feelings of hurt and loss. (My mind knows it’s not about me and not to take it personally but my heart has a bit of a learning delay. :))
The other part of this energy was focused on trying to understand what prompted my friend’s descent into darkness. Old pain from events that happened years and years ago was resurfacing for my friend and it appeared that my friend was fighting an ongoing battle to keep from drowning. What I couldn’t and still don’t understand was what led to the descent given that while not perfect, things were looking up for this person. My friend was in a relationship that seemed to be going well, they were living together in a house in a better part of town, and they were more financially stable. It has long appeared to me that my friend was on a never ending search for the love and acceptance that my friend felt had been missing in childhood years (as well as adulthood in some situations). Yet, my friend was in a loving relationship and had kids and friends and other family members who loved and adored them and yet my friend seemed to be blind to it all.
I kept asking myself, “Why? Why can’t my friend see that she has what she is searching for right in front of her? Why is my friend so blind?”
And then it hit me. I was blind too.
You see, this story isn’t really about my friend, it’s about me. My situation with my friend was simply a catalyst for removing one of my own filters that had been blocking my sight. Because here I was, focusing so much energy on one person who wasn’t responding to me in a loving way and who it felt like had turned their back on me despite years of my loyalty and love… and the entire time I had a wealth of love from others that I wasn’t focusing nearly as much emotional energy on.
Boom. It’s always an odd feeling when you realize your own hypocrisy. It’s like meeting the odd duck of the family who gives you the creeps. You can’t not acknowledge their existence, but it takes everything in your power not to look/walk away. Granted my situation and my actions aren’t of the same type or intensity of my friend’s, but the paradigm is similar enough.
When this realization hit, I began trying to clean my lens so to speak to see what else I had been missing. I had gotten out of the habit of doing regular gratitude lists and I realized that it had had a subtle but powerful impact. I was having some issues with my health and a ton of stress related to work and some other issues, and upon some reflection I recognized that many times these days when my husband would ask me how my day had been I immediately remembered all of the negative, frustrating things that had occurred and had a much harder time recalling the positives (if I thought of them at all). It should have been a clue to me when my son would see something on my face or hear something in my voice that prompted him to say (on more than one occasion), “Rough day again?”
It’s not that I was acting miserable or irritable or that I thought my life overall was so horrible. Of course, I knew that compared to many people in this world my life was pretty darn blessed. Yet it was the little things that nagged at me, frustrated me, or caused me pain in some way that were taking up an increasingly substantial amount of space in my head and heart without my even realizing what was going on. I believe the positive and negative were there for the most part in equal measure, but like the media often does my brain/ego/shadow was choosing to focus in a hypersensitive way on what appeared to be not so good in my world while giving a substantially smaller ratio of “air time” to all of the great things that were happening.
What we focus on becomes our reality.
Let’s try an experiment. Say I show you the picture below and ask you what you see in the middle of the black screen:
Most people would say that they saw a thin white line. Now what if I zoomed out and showed you that what you were actually looking at was this set on it’s side:
A blank white canvas. Changes things, doesn’t it?
Each perspective changes how we view our situation and what our actions might be. I can’t do much with a thin white line, but I can do something with a canvas. Seeing the canvas might prompt me to paint something. The possibilities of what I could paint or create are endless. So, too, we often think of situations that we are in as being as limiting and allowing us little choice when in fact if we were to zoom out and look at the big picture we would see we often have far more choices available to us than we previously realized.
We are each and every one of us blind at times and the degree of our blindness determines the way that we see the world, the way that we see ourselves, and the amount of joy and love and overall positive emotions that we will experience. Just as being visually impaired can limit or harm you by preventing you from seeing something that you might want that is right in front of you or seeing a path which you desire to take; so, too, can self imposed blindness keep us from pursuing opportunities that would allow us to fulfill our dreams for ourselves and can limit us from feeling the absolute joy, wonder, and love that we each deserve to experience in this world.
Fortunately, there is a way to correct our vision and remove our blinders so that we can see more clearly.
Gratitude. By focusing on the things that we have to be thankful for in our lives, we minimize the power that negativity has over us and we look at the world in a more balanced way. Practicing gratitude helps us to feel more positive and, in some cases, more loved. Paying attention to all of the good that exists within us and within the world helps to drown out the fear often stimulated by all of the horrible things that we see and hear on the news that can sometimes appear to be the norm rather than the exception. In addition, when we are more focused on being thankful for the things that we have and the actions of others, we tend to interact more positively in our relationships and do the “small” things for others that can sometimes have a huge impact. If nothing else, the appreciation we show others and the little selfless things we are inspired to do as a result can foster even deeper feelings of love and appreciation in those we care about, thus strengthening and deepening our relationships.
Science indicates that being grateful makes us happier. According to research done by Harvard Medical School,
“In positive psychology research, gratitude is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness. Gratitude helps people feel more positive emotions, relish good experiences, improve their health, deal with adversity, and build strong relationships.” (http://www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/giving-thanks-can-make-you-happier)
In fact, Harvard reports that a 10 week study showed that the group who was tasked with writing about things they were grateful for that occurred during the week exercised more and had fewer visits to the doctor.
With all of this in mind, I have decided to rid myself (to the extent possible) of the invisible filters that interfere with my ability to see clearly and instead focus the majority of my energy and thoughts on love, light, and the overall awesome things that are happening in my world by doing one or more of the following:
* Gratitude practice. Writing a list on at least a weekly basis of all of the things I have to be grateful about for at least one month. This list will include both big and small things and I will challenge myself to try to find unique things to add to my list each time.
* Acts of love. In addition to keeping a gratitude list, I will also make a list of times when I either felt loved or gave love throughout the week. These don’t have to be big, dramatic gestures. It can be something as simple as a hug, a smile or a compliment from someone else. I will also include acts of self love whether I, for example, took time to work out or made time to rest or do something I enjoy.
* Thoughts of love. When I find myself thinking self critical thoughts, I will try to remember to intentionally replace or counter those thoughts with thoughts of what I like about myself and/or what I am proud of myself for. When I find myself focusing energy on someone or a situation that causes me pain or makes me feel “less than”, I will counter these thoughts with thoughts of the people in my life who show me love, who are there for me, and who support me in some way and will let the other person/situation go in that moment with love (or at least without wishing ill will if that is the best that I can do in the moment).
* Establish a happy place. I will create a list of things that make me smile, laugh, and/or bring me joy or peace so that when I am surrounded with fear and negativity and overall “ick” to the point that it gets overwhelming, I can easily pull up my list and pick something to switch my focus. It could be a Youtube video that always makes me laugh, creating music or listening to a song that pumps me up, getting a hug from a loved one, or simply cuddling up in bed with a good book and a cup of my favorite tea.
* Alarm myself. I am going to set a discreet alarm on my Fitbit to remind me at certain times throughout the day to clean my visual filters so to speak by getting up and taking a walk or just paying attention to my breath and thinking about one thing that I am grateful for or one positive thing that occurred that day.
I challenge you to join me in this endeavor. If you have other great ideas that I can add to this list, I would love to hear them.
I don’t know that it’s possible to stop having blind spots completely. I think that simply is a part of being human. However, I do think as mentioned in the quote at the beginning of this post that we can choose to see far more than we typically do and gratitude is one tool for cleaning our lens while at the same time increasing our sense of joy. As Rumi once said, “Gratitude is the wine for the soul. Go on. Get drunk”.
P.S. -Did I mention that I am grateful for you reading this post? 🙂