The other day, I was taking part in a team building exercise where we had to share something that happened in our lives in a random year that we were assigned. I was quickly able to pull up a brief, entertaining anecdote; however, in doing so I was reminded of a time during that same year when I acted in ways that I wasn’t proud of. Suddenly, I was flooded with intense feelings of shame. This, despite the fact that many years have passed since those incidents and I have grown tremendously.
Those types of moments have been memorialized in my mind as sort of a dinner play known simply as “The Worst of Me”, aka, “Here Are All of the Examples of Why I Am Not Good Enough”. Yep, all of my less than finer moments going back to when I was a child star in this play and the play just keeps repeating. You would think such a play would get boring, but no. Through the mistakes I am bound to make as I live my life, the playwright is always finding new material. I try not to go to this theater, and most of the time I forget it exists. Yet every once in a while something causes me to take a wrong turn and I find myself immobilized by the scenes playing out on the stage in my mind. (The dinner served at this establishment is magnificent. At least, that’s what my demons say. They feed off of what is there all of the time).
I have a dear friend whom I have known for years who seems to be currently living out his own version of this play. I have watched his play. In fact, I have seen encore performances throughout this friend’s life, but I always find myself trying to lead him towards the curtain so that he can pull it aside and see that it is all just an illusion. As it relates to who he truly is at his core, none of it is real. In some ways, we see through to the heart of those we love far better than we can clearly see ourselves. I am not referring to having blinders on and only seeing what we wish to see in those we care about. No. Truly seeing someone means that you see all of the dark parts, the parts that make their appearance in this play, the parts that they would rather hide. You see all of this, but you also see that their light shines so much brighter than their darkness.
The Sufi poet Hafiz once said, “I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in the darkness, the astonishing light of your own being”. There have been many times that I have wished that I could help those I love see themselves through my eyes, and many times when I have wished that I could see myself through theirs. The times when I have by some miracle been able to hold a mirror to my loved one-even if only for a mere moment-are some of the times that I have felt most like I was able to serve this world in a meaningful way, particularly for those I love. Those who have been able share my reflection in their eyes with me in a way that broke through my defenses and allowed me to see what they saw have given me some of my most cherished gifts in this life.
We all mess up. We all make mistakes and do things that make us feel ashamed. We all have moments we wish we could rewind and delete. We all hurt the people that we care about at some point –intentionally, unintentionally, or both. Whether they are big screw ups or little ones, whether new or repeated, they tend to weigh heavy in our hearts and minds. But there is a reason that your loved ones have continued to stubbornly stay by your side and/or have loved you in spite of the ways that you feel you have failed.
It is because of this….
I am willing to bet that every mistake you have made, every messed up thing you have done pales in comparison to all of the good you have done in this world. For those of you that know me well, I can easily bore you with a seemingly never-ending list of the positive ways that you have impacted others in this life and/or have changed your corner of the world for the better. Those of you that I don’t know as well are probably thinking to yourself, “There is no way she can possibly say that with sincerity. She knows nothing of my life or who I am”.
You are right that I may not know you personally and don’t know about your life. However, I am willing to bet that each and every one of you has done at least one of the following things, if not more (or at least their equivalent):
Smiled at someone you happened to pass on the street
Helped someone in need that you didn’t know by, for example, helping to jump start their car
Gave a stranger loose change or paid for the person in line behind you at Starbucks
Stood up for someone else
Lent a listening ear and/or a shoulder to cry on for a friend or family member going through a rough time
Gave someone a hug
Sincerely complimented someone
Reminded someone of who they were when they had forgotten
Shared a viewpoint that others may not have thought of
I know these seem like meaningless, little everyday things but more often than not they impact others more than you can possibly know. That person whose car you helped jump start? They may have been on their way to an interview for a much needed job. That person you hugged or smiled at? That might have been the only positive interaction they had with someone that day or even that week. That person you stood up for may have been a person who felt like they did not have a voice and were not worthy of one until you spoke or acted on their behalf. That viewpoint you shared? That could have been the catalyst for an epiphany which would lead to impactful, positive change. That time you listened to your friend and helped them through a crisis? You may never know this, but your loving kindness in that moment may have helped them turn back from the edge at a time when they felt submerged in pain and despair.
It’s not just the individuals we impact. Often our so-called “little” actions set off a chain reaction of positivity. The person you paid for at Starbucks may feel inspired to do the same for someone else and that person for someone else and so on and so on. These simple choices can have an impact exponentially greater than we often realize. I am sure that if you talked to someone who knows you, they would be able to give you even more incredibly powerful examples to reflect to you the person that you are at a soul level. It is for these reasons that I feel comfortable saying with all sincerity that every messed up thing you have ever done PALES IN COMPARISON TO THE GOOD YOU HAVE DONE IN THIS WORLD.
We are so afraid of failing, so afraid of having our failures exposed that we try desperately to keep them locked away where others can’t see and where we think we don’t have to acknowledge their existence. Yet this only serves to cause us to take those wrong turns I mentioned at the beginning of this post so that we are forced to once again watch a play with far less substance than the voices in our head would have us believe. We each have a light that shines so incredibly bright and yet we spend so much time looking into our own darkness that we cannot see.
It’s like mourning a flawless piece of metal (what we think we should be) which has been destroyed by a fire. Ironically, it is the flames of our so called failures and shortcomings that forges and tempers us into a beautiful, powerful sword that is greater than the sum of its parts. So the next time you fail and step into your fire, don’t feel ashamed. Don’t hide, don’t run away and don’t let it destroy you. Instead, learn from it. Let it burn away everything you no longer need so that it can continually form and re-form you into an even better version of you-one that is truer to who you really are at your core. Use its heat to make you stronger, and in turn you can help others to be stronger as well. Let it compel you to show someone else what they can also be.
Helping someone see themselves more clearly can be incredibly transformative and freeing. The friend I mentioned at the beginning of this post? He held the mirror up for me and changed my life when I was at the threshold between feeling in many ways like a scared, awkward kid and being an independent young woman ready to determine the course of my life. He changed my life in ways he probably doesn’t even realize by simply accepting and loving me for who I was, and shedding light on strengths and gifts I didn’t even know I had. He empowered me to strive for greatness and make a difference in this world as well as to not settle for less than I was worth. He emboldened me to look into the mirror myself from time to time. The friend who did this? He wasn’t some worldly adult with a college degree, a fancy job, and a lifetime of experiences to share. He was simply a young man on the threshold himself who listened, believed in me, and cared enough to look beyond my surface to see the treasures hiding underneath. This friend is one of many loved ones that I have been fortunate enough to have crossed paths with who have let me glimpse myself through their eyes.
Most of us cannot begin to even fathom what we are truly capable of. When we finally remove the shroud of what we perceive to be our darkness which we have both been hiding from and by doing so clinging to, we can finally begin to see that we cannot be contained or defined by the moments in our lives that we regret. Just as with a reflection in a physical mirror, the metaphorical mirror we look into illuminates the best of us and reflects something beautiful and limitless. Once you step into your power and stop trying to dim the light that exists inside of you? All of the limits that previously constrained you fall away and you are left with nothing but possibilities. When you give yourself permission to stop living in the shadows and instead share your unique gifts with this world, you allow other people permission to do so as well, causing the most wonderful ripple effect.
So hold the mirror up to a friend. Remind them of the ways in which their light eclipses their darkness. Better yet, take a look in the mirror yourself. For once you are brave enough and honest enough to do so, you will find that the dark parts are nothing but insubstantial shadows. You will find that your light truly is astonishing.