I Am Not The Girl

Usually when you ask people who they admire, they will give you a list of various lengths completely or almost completely comprised of individuals over the age of 18. There are many adults that I have admired and/or tried to emulate over the years, but my list also contains a few members of a younger generation who have inspired me and have taught me more than they probably know.

There’s my son, who has taught me the importance of play and humor, who has helped me to appreciate the present moment rather than focus on the past or future, and who has- in more ways than I have room for in this post- helped me to be a better person. There is my younger niece who was recently diagnosed with a very rare and serious condition which is very similar to a condition I have. She is the contradictory embodiment of both a sensitive, old soul and a strong and brave warrior. She reminds me a lot myself at her age in some ways, but that too is a story for another day.

This post is about my older niece, who is 15 years old and a freshman in high school. She shares my middle name and some of my physical characteristics, but that is where our similarities at that age end. I certainly did not have anywhere near the level of self knowledge and maturity that she exhibits on a regular basis.

You see, my niece recently had her first experience with dating and relationships. Like most high school relationships, this one did not end well. There were many ways in which the relationship soured but there was one particular situation which really stood out for me. The boyfriend in question began telling my niece what he thought girls who were hot would or should do, how he thought she should act, and what he thought she should (or shouldn’t) wear.

When you consider all of the mixed messages society gives young women about who they should be and how they should act combined with the very daunting and real pressure that teenagers face to fit in and “be cool”, it would not at all have surprised me if she had attempted to sacrifice her truth and values to conform herself to his desires or if she had at the very least not said a word. However, that was not what she did. With a confidence and a sense of self that I never dreamed of having when I was 15, my niece calmly and kindly told this young man, “If that’s really what you want, then I am not the girl for you”.

I am not the girl for you.

All I could think about was how much pain and heartbreak I could have saved myself all of those years ago if I had simply had the self worth and courage to say those 7 little words.

My niece has a self assuredness and strength that awes me and that is far beyond her years. When I was 15, I was so desperate to have my self-worth validated through the demonstrated interest of a male peer that I was ready to be an emotional chameleon at a moment’s notice. I was an awkward, insecure kid. My self confidence was so underdeveloped that most of the time when a guy liked me, I liked him back as though I was somehow obligated to be attracted to someone who saw something in me that I did not see in myself. Mind you, I still had a strong inner moral compass and didn’t do anything too crazy but I was willing to transform my interests, choice in clothes or music, and my expressed opinions in order to interest and/or hold on to someone I liked. (Not to mention that I was very cognizant of the fact that having a boyfriend in high school majorly upped what limited cool factor I felt I had).

As embarrassing as it is to admit it, sadly this type of thinking continued when I was into my late teens and early 20’s. There were the boyfriends that I repeatedly spent money on because I thought that would keep them in my life. There were the times I didn’t stand up for myself because I was too afraid of rocking the boat and having the relationship end. While it’s both sad and funny, more than once I feigned an interest in or a liking for something that was so far out of alignment with who I was and what I liked that it was ridiculous.

There was the time I tried to find a leather skirt because my boyfriend thought chicks in leather skirts were cool. (If you saw how I dressed when I was in my late teens/early 20’s, you would understand why this is so amusing). There was the time I met the jock at the bar who was obsessed with exercising and asked me where I worked out. At barely 100 lbs with a body more similar to a 12 year old boy’s, I don’t think I could have found a muscle on my body if my life depended on it. In addition, I had never EVER been on, near, or around any kind of exercise equipment let alone a gym. I therefore mumbled a made up gym name. Fortunately the guy was new in town so he didn’t know any better but needless to say that relationship went nowhere fast…

I never thought to take the time to think about not only whether I was truly the girl for him but also whether or not he was the right guy for me. It wasn’t just in my intimate relationships that I failed to consider my standards, and desires and sell myself short. I also often didn’t take the time to consider whether friendships, jobs, areas of study, or personal paths were mutually beneficial and something that I truly wanted and/or offered opportunities for my success. Eventually of course, I became stronger, more confident, and operated from a greater sense of self to the point that the choices I made in all of these areas began to more closely align with my own values and interests, what I thought I was worth, and how I felt I deserved to be treated. But oh the pain of those years in between.

Had I known then about myself what I know now, things would have been very different. Had I possessed the incredible self assuredness and courage that my niece has exhibited, I think my conversation with many of the men in my life would have gone something like this…

If you are looking for someone who is…
Submissive
Constantly serious
Detail oriented
Dedicated to a traditional religious path
Satisfied with mediocrity and/or routine
Unwilling to spend time alone
The life of every party
Focused primarily on wealth
Easily able to conform with society’s expectations and demands even if it doesn’t align with what she knows in her gut to be true
Proficient in etiquette
A financial wiz
Complacent
Not at all interested in dreams, adventures, taking risks, helping others, and reading every book one could get their hands on
Not interested in self growth and growth in relationships
Chomping at the bit to go sky diving or bungee jumping
Dogmatic
Predictable
Extremely conservative
A believer in inequality
Beautiful in a cover model/Victoria’s Secret angel kind of way

Then I am not the girl for you.

But if you want someone who is….
Impish
Unpredictable in the best ways
Creative
Funny
Intelligent
Kind
Empathetic
Loving
Brave
Strong
Imaginative
Spiritual
Visionary
A believer in possibilities
Adventurous
Committed to personal growth and fulfilling her potential
Loyal
Honest
Tenacious
Resilient
Supportive
Introspective
Really bad at math (although she’s gotten better over the years)
Dedicated to helping others succeed
Complex
Inquisitive
Funny as hell
Willing to act silly and embarrass herself for the amusement of others
A damn good friend
Not always the first person you notice but typically hard to forget once you notice her
A believer in love as the most powerful force in the universe…

Then step right up.

In some ways, I don’t regret those things which caused me heartbreak due to my own lack of courage and self worth. After all, they taught me necessary lessons and contributed to who I am today. But who wouldn’t want to avoid or at least mitigate the pain and disappointment of failed relationships and ventures while still being able to attain the wisdom necessary for happiness and self actualization?

I worry sometimes about the ways in which our society expresses to girls who they are, what role they should play, and what they must do in order to be valued in this world. While our society has progressed by leaps and bounds over the past several years in regards to how women are viewed and treated in this country, we still receive a hell of a lot of mixed messages which makes it particularly difficult for young women still learning about themselves to navigate relationships and tricky societal waters in general. I worry about the implications our young women face trying to know and be true to themselves in a world that at a minimum doesn’t always value, support, or encourage these efforts.

Yet the very fact that young women like my niece exist gives me such tremendous hope for the future. The 45 year old me is bursting with pride at the wonderful independence, self love, insights, and the beautiful, strong and courageous heart that someone I love so dearly exhibits in the most humble of ways. The 45 year old me is also awed by and admiring of this young woman who demonstrates on a regular basis that she possesses wisdom far beyond her years. And the 15 year old me? She is looking into the future, heart bursting with excitement and satisfaction at finding her passion and talents and the manifestation of exciting opportunities for friends, education, career, and spiritual and personal growth as a result of getting to know herself better, believe in herself and align her actions and choices to the truth of who she is and what she knows she is worth. The 15 year old me is looking into the future, smiling and taking notice, knowing that once she figures out who she is and is brave enough to stay true to that, the man for her will come along and will love her so deeply and so intensely for who she is – the good parts, bad parts, and all. He will revel in her uniqueness, help her see herself more clearly, and encourage her heart to fill to overflowing with love, and her life will never be the same.