In part one, I talked about how the purpose of pain and how it births our demons. Part two shares with you some things that I have learned over the years that have helped me both in navigating my own dark, painful times as well as supporting loved ones who are going through their own darkness.
To the ones that have had or are having to find their way out of the complex, pitch black maze and who are feeling broken, lost, hurt, ashamed…
Being in this position can be terrifying. We may feel weak, helpless, and as though our emotional pain has taken on a life of its own, metamorphosing into a tangible, physical pain in our heart. Undoubtedly this journey can take quite a toll on our self image and self worth. If there were just 3 things I would want my younger self to know and remember when she feels she has lost her way, it would be these:
We are not our mistakes. If each of us were to be judged and assigned a value based on the mistakes we have made in our lives, I am convinced that we would all be screwed. I have yet to meet one person who has not hurt someone they loved or done something they deeply regretted at least once in their life, and in many cases several times. We do this because we are wounded ourselves. I believe we are here to learn and to grow and to love. If you aren’t making mistakes it means you aren’t taking risks, growing, or truly living. Our value supersedes the sometimes ineffective and/or destructive choices we make.
Pain can serve us or we can be its slave – the choice is ours. It is true that we can’t truly live and grow without experiencing some pain in this life. It’s going to hit us whether we like it or not. We can control how we choose to react to it and what we choose to do with it. Feel the pain, let it share with you everything that you need to know about what may not be working in your life and what needs to change. Use that information to move forward.
You ARE worthy of love, even the unconditional kind. Self loathing only perpetuates the vicious cycle of shame leading to unhealthy or undesirable choices which then lead to more pain. You are worthy of love, just by being you.You don’t have to prove yourself or achieve benchmarks or fit a societal standard. Every single one of us comes into this world with an ability to leave their mark in a positive way. Each of us has a unique gift to share with the world. If you have or have had at least one person in your life that loves you, then you know without a doubt that you have made some sort of positive impact on this world and you have something of value to offer. Its funny, so often we run and hide because we are afraid that the people we care about will see the “real” us and will be ashamed, disappointed, or even repulsed to the point that they will abandon us. Why is it so hard for us to realize that the people who love us do see the “real” us? They see the caring, amazing, uniquely talented people that we are. They see all of the things about us that we seem to choose to be deaf and blind to. They see the light that is the truth of us, and we persist in playing a fool’s game of trying to hide the darkness that was never really our essence to begin with.
To those who struggle or have struggled watching their loved one(s) go through darkness…
This is such a hard position to be in, isn’t it? We feel helpless.We want so badly to help those we care about to the point where we might even want to take their place and absorb their pain, but we can’t. We can’t not only because it’s not possible but also because attempting to do so could rob someone of the strength, wisdom, and possible serenity that comes from walking their path. It’s a difficult path, but it’s theirs nonetheless. What I wish I would have known while I was the love one on the sidelines is this…
Don’t take it personally. Quite frankly, I still struggle with this one. People dwelling in pain and confusion deal in many different ways. Sometimes their reactions or responses to those around them can be unintentionally hurtful. Even though I logically understand that we all have different ways of perceiving and coping, my heart doesn’t always grasp this. Like a wild animal with an injury, people in pain often lash out. They are often confused and tormented may not even realize they are expressing these emotions in a hurtful way. People who feel guilty or ashamed often do this as well. Sadly, the stronger the connection and/or the deeper the love, the more likely we are to experience this.
Some people use silence as a shield. Like a turtle, they shut down, pull in their limbs and hide while they ride out the worst of the storm. This often happens with people who are very sensitive to the feelings of those around them and/or who had either perceived or actual cause (often repeatedly) to feel unsafe, unloved and/or abandoned at some point in their young lives. It may not matter how many times you have been there for them or how fiercely you have proved your loyalty or trustworthiness, having your trust betrayed (especially as a child) can make it very difficult for one to truly, unequivocally believe that someone is capable and/or willing to love them and be there for them no matter the extent of the darkness we reveal. They may not feel worthy, and they may self sabotage as a way of trying to protect themselves from what they believe will an eventual heartrending rejection.
However our loved ones respond to pain, we need to know that their reaction is not about us, so we need to work diligently to not make it about us. Imposing our fears and confusion on our loved ones during their time of darkness typically won’t help the situation and often adds weight to what already feels to them like an unbearable burden. This doesn’t mean that we should remain in an abusive situation or that we shouldn’t at some point in the future express our feelings. What it does mean is that we take accountability for healing ourselves when triggered by what a loved one is experiencing and, if needed, release our loved ones from our life with compassion and love.
We all cope in our own way. Don’t assume. Ask your loved one what they need but also remember that they may not know themselves. If you’re unsure of how to support them, simply hold a space for them. Let them know that even though they must walk their path alone, you will be there to cheer them on as they travel and perhaps even provide comfort or a listening ear when they stumble. Remind them of who they truly are if it seems they have forgotten. Believe in them and be patient. Fight for them in a way that demonstrates that you care but does not add additional pressure. You never know what type of impact the seemingly little things can have on those going through their own storm. A simple hug, smile, or word of encouragement could save a life. Whatever you choose to do, pay attention to how your loved one responds to your actions (verbally or otherwise) and be sure to honor and respect your loved one’s needs and boundaries during this time.
It has been said that every decision, every action, every thought originates from either love or fear and that you can’t operate from both emotions at the same time. Love is the most powerful force in the universe. Fear, I believe, is the most destructive and the most deceitful.We spend so much time and energy fighting against what we fear when we often don’t have any control over the people or situations we are afraid of to begin with. What would it look like if we redirected that energy into fighting for what we love instead of fighting to avoid pain? We may not have total control over the outcome but we can certainly influence it or at the very least experience it in a way that better contributes to our growth and happiness.
So whether you are experiencing your own storm of pain and confusion or are observing someone you care about struggle with their demons, choose love. It could be the very thing that guides you or your loved one out of the pitch black tunnel of suffering, confusion, and torment and into the light.