The Art of Letting Go

I  am a packrat. Tucked away deep in my storage space, I have notes passed to me by my friends from when I was in high school. I have clothes that I haven’t worn since I was in my 20’s because I can’t bear to give them away for nostalgic reasons. (Yes, I am that person). I replay scenarios over and over again in my mind, looking at them from every possible angle and either savoring what went well or beating myself up over what I should have done differently. I suck my most cherished memories dry over and over again as if I were trying desperately to get every last bit of juice from an orange (or a lemon if the memory is bittersweet). But when I invest myself heart and soul into a person or relationship letting go involves an act of prying flesh and bone away to release a grip similar to that of a child holding on for dear life to its mother’s legs on their very first day of daycare-times at least ten.

Before you close your blinds and make sure I don’t have your address, let me assure you that I don’t mean this in a crazy, stalker sort of way. In relationships (both friendly and intimate), whether I made the decision to sever ties or whether the other person let me know that it wasn’t working, I have typically physically moved on without the begging and pleading hysterics that you sometimes see in the movies. I don’t recall ever having begged someone to stay once I knew that they didn’t want me around. I don’t tend to go where I am not wanted or valued. Yet when it comes to things such as getting closure, letting go of my feelings, memories, and/or expectations of how I thought things should have been? That has sometimes taken the emotional and/or spiritual equivalent of the jaws of life.

There have been plenty of times in my life, when, like a child, I threw a temper tantrum. It was thrown more internally than anything else though I admit there would have been a sick satisfaction in kicking and flailing my arms and yelling until my face turned red. My temper tantrums took the form of internal railing and screaming against what had been and stubbornly swimming upstream even though I knew logically that I would be much better off surrendering to what was in the moment and going with the flow. As much as I hated to admit it, at some point I resigned myself to acknowledging that the only healthy thing to do was to let go. Doing otherwise would only poison my heart and warp the best parts of me.

This was a hard lesson for me to learn. The minute I have felt the thing and/or person I care so deeply about start to slip away, my first instinct has been to double down. To hold on to that puppy with everything I’ve got until I have no choice but to let go. In some deep recess of my mind, heart and soul, I knew this was not the way. I knew that I would be better off treating every relationship and experience like a dance so that when it was apparent the music was about to end, I could gracefully and lovingly remove myself from their arms with a mixture of both sadness and overwhelming gratitude for the gifts that they had given me while I was within their sweet embrace. When I finally started letting go with intention, I found that the act of doing so was, while still difficult and sad, much less stressful and painful. It was akin to a child who fights with everything he or she has against sleep only to finally surrender and in doing so experiences slumber’s sweet release. Surprisingly, though, I found that letting go was not a linear process. It wasn’t as simple as releasing a balloon and walking away. Some acts of letting go come in levels, releasing more and more as we peel away the layers of disillusionment and pain. I also was surprised to learn that there is more than one way to let go.

I have recently watched people that I care about go through painful experiences. Experiences which )in many cases unbeknownst to them) represent patterns. The common denominator in many of these experiences is that of running away in some way, shape or form from fear and pain rather than realizing that fear and pain are almost always a messenger or teacher of some sort. If we face our fear/pain, we learn how to move beyond it or at least mitigate its intensity and strength. If we run, the fear/pain continues to come back again and again with greater severity until we have no choice but to pay attention. I tend to be very protective of those I care about to the point where, if I am not careful, I can be enabling due to my desire to bear their pain so that they don’t have to. Unfortunately, that does not serve either me or the other person. In some ways, it is unintentionally selfish because if I enable them I potentially rob them of the ability to travel their own path and experience the pain so that they can make it through to the other side with a greater sense of strength, serenity and freedom. For these individuals, I have found that letting go means that I let them know that I am there for them and that I care about them. Yet instead of trying to direct or lead them, I hold a space of love and compassion and gently hold their hand (should they want that), understanding that sometimes there is work that must be done and journeys that must be traveled in this life alone-at least for a time.

Sometimes the letting go did not really involve the other person. It was a releasing of my own outdated thoughts, beliefs, and perspectives. In those instances when I thought I had been wronged, my first reactions were often feelings of anger (How dare they!), grief (how could they do this to me? Don’t they care?) and/or indignation (They’ll be sorry that they did this. I’m the best friend/partner they’ve every had!). Sometimes I vacillated between all three.

I am not proud of those reactions. The first time I recognized with such clarity that I was making myself the victim and that I had (often unknowingly) played a part in this drama, it was like a punch in the gut. I had to hold the mirror up and be completely honest with myself so that I could forgive the other person and myself with love and compassion for the roles that we both played. In some cases, I knew that if I continued with these toxic thoughts and perpetuated putting myself in the role of victim I would end up losing the very person I loved. I had to make a choice. What was more important? My sanity (and possibly my relationship) or holding on to my belief that I was right? This was really difficult in those instances where the other person was no longer in my life and I felt as though I didn’t get closure. Then again, do we ever get closure? Often times we must provide the closure on our own and doing so we have to provide ourselves absolution through the process. As the author Jodi Picoult once said, “Forgiving isn’t something you do for someone else. It’s something you do for yourself. “ It is a recognition that holding on to thoughts, feelings and expectations that no longer serve you don’t teach the other person a lesson or change their behavior so much as it acts as a roadblock to your future success and happiness.

There are of course those instances where letting go necessitates ending a relationship of some sort. Sadly, there are times when we just outgrow one another or we need to travel separately for a while. There are also times when we find that the relationship has become one sided, and we are making far too many emotional deposits while the other person is overdrawn on withdrawals. We may express our feelings and try various ways to change the situation but in reality we ultimately can’t control or change others nor should we want to.

Continuing to participate in a relationship that isn’t a blend of give and take or doesn’t respect or value our worth robs us of our power. It makes us the victim, breeds resentment, anger and insecurity and detracts from who we are at our essence. It also serves to enable those who would-intentionally or not- do this and thus does not contribute to their growth or true happiness or essence. Releasing someone from your life can be scary as hell because we don’t know if they will ever come back. I truly believe that if it is meant to be, we will reunite with the other person and having learned from our mistakes, we can build the groundwork for an even stronger and more fulfilling relationship. If we don’t cross paths again, we’ve been true to ourselves and are more empowered to attract those relationships which do honor and value us and help us become whole.

Letting go is terrifying but holding on is EXHAUSTING. Sometimes the best and most loving thing we can do for others involved and for ourselves is to let go- not with anger, bitterness, or blame but with love and compassion. It’s a more natural process than you would think. Our bodies release air as much as 12 times per minute without our even thinking about it so that we can breathe in new oxygen. Trees lose their leaves or fruit each fall as part of a natural process so that new buds can bloom. Release that grip, unlock those chains, step off the precipice. Take a deep breath, and surrender with compassion and love knowing that you are making room for something new and unimaginably wonderful, and that it will all be ok. Eventually, it may be even better than ok. Let go and you will find that there is an incredible amount of energy and power freed up in doing so.