Going In Circles

The story I am about to share with you is…well…it’s embarrassing. Let me preface this story by stating that I believe I am a reasonably intelligent individual as evidenced by my graduate degree and my ability to hold down a position in high level management. Please try to keep that in mind as you read this story.

Several years ago, I started a new job. I was so excited! That is, until I learned a few days after starting that one of my tasks would be to drive to downtown Seattle once a month to collect paychecks for some of our customers who were doing internships. Driving in downtown Seattle back then? My own little slice of hell. I was not as experienced or as confident driving in busy areas that I was unfamiliar with. The fact that I had had multiple experiences driving in Seattle wherein a two way street suddenly turned into a one way street with little or no notice did nothing to quell my fears.

Gripping the wheel and mired in utter concentration, I headed to my destination. Amazingly, getting there was a walk in the park (well actually, a drive so to speak). I found a parking garage across from my destination, parked my car and went to collect the checks. When I returned to my car, I was buoyant with pride at having achieved my goal without any complications. My confidence level boosted, I joyfully started my car and started singing along to the radio at the top of my lungs as I began my descent to the bottom level of the garage.

A good 10 minutes went by and I recall thinking, “Wow, I didn’t think I parked this high up”. However, I brushed off this concern because, after all, I was a confident and capable driver. More time went by, and I happened to notice a BMW with a license plate along the lines of “Bm me up Scotty”. “Ha!”, I thought, “ How clever!” I drove down to the next level and as I rounded the bend I saw another BMW with the same exact license plate. I slowed down as I suddenly realized that I had been circling for quite some time and the likelihood that there were two BMWs in this garage with the SAME license plate was pretty darn slim.

Yes, folks, I am ashamed to admit that for 15-20 minutes I had been driving down one level of the garage… and back up to the level I started on. I was doing nothing but going in circles. I was mortified.

In recounting this story to someone several years later it dawned on me that much like my parking garage debacle, there have been many times in my life where I have been going in circles and not even realizing it. In fact, I think it’s a pretty common thing for most of us. I can recall periods of time (some spanning months, some spanning years and years) where in some area of my life I was moving-sometimes frantically- but never getting anywhere. I seemed stuck in the same old patterns and couldn’t understand why, despite exerting energy, I wasn’t moving forward. It seemed like no matter how hard I tried I kept ending up in situations in my love life, work life, or personal life that ultimately would present me with the same recurring pain and/or disappointment.

During these times, while the scenery looked vaguely familiar, I couldn’t quite put my finger on what exactly the common denominator was. I was not paying attention to the landmarks along my path. The metaphorical BMW with the catchy license plate was there (in the form of the wrong career choices, wrong actions, men who were wrong for me and the uneasy gut feelings accompanying it all) but I was too busy blindly going in circles to stop and notice them. I repeated the same old patterns until the universe decided to smack me upside the head with a painful “clue by four” and I had no choice but to pay attention. Whereas driving in circles keeps you perpetually in the same place, going in circles in real life can end in a downward spiral.

These days, I try to pay attention to my internal GPS to ensure that I stay on track. I am much more conscious of the fact that no matter how long or how fast I drive, if I am not traveling on the right road or paying attention to where I need to go I will never get to my destination. I try to be vigilant in noticing the landmarks in my life as well as how I am feeling as I travel my path. When something doesn’t feel right or I notice I am stuck in a rut, I try to discern what I am getting from this pattern, why I continue to go in circles, and what this particular landmark is trying to tell me. I then attempt to break my pattern and revise my route to ensure that it aligns with my intended destination. It’s not always an easy process. Often, it takes courage to really look at myself in the mirror (and the rearview mirror) and perhaps face some unpleasant truths about myself and my choices. Doing so forces those cowardly yet powerful demons who often subconsciously whisper unflattering things in my ear to come out and make themselves known. I have found that while it is terrifying to confront my fears, doing so robs them of their power and propels me to greater freedom to ensure that they don’t compel me to live in some warped “Groundhog Day” scenario where I am bound in chains and keep reliving the same old painful cycle, piling scar tissue upon scar tissue until I am numb. I am not a big fan of going in circles, but I do like watching my demons spin like possessed whirling dervishes as they are washed away down the drain.

Living my life as if everything was a lesson and being more mindful of where I am going has helped me to stop circling endless roundabouts in my life. Yet there are times when we need to go in circles in order to move forward. These circles provide the necessary insights and lessons required to catapult us to the next level. My journey, while not perfect, is marked by greater forward movement towards my destination.

Of course, that doesn’t mean that I won’t take some unexpected detours along the way. I may not wish to repeat my experience in the parking garage, but that certainly doesn’t mean that my route in this life will always be a straight line. After all, there are many ways to get where you are going . Sometimes the journey is just as important as the destination.